Hong Kong Hash House Harriers

The first 'local' to take office. A natural driver of men with peculiar culinary tastes. Lead the lads back into China to recover from his first fuck-up. Probably broken Hash history by attending every bloody week.

Aka “God”. A peerless leader among men, now into a term which bodes fair to usher in an eternity of paradise upon earth, with ever shorter runs attended by deaf and dumb barmaids with huge tits serving flagons of blizzard cold piss and buckets of ring-puckering ostrich vindaloo. Hosanna in the highest!

With a mouth on him to give ill-maintained sewers a bad name. A man immortalised by his own national poet R Burns as "Great Chieftain o' the Pudden'heads" and "Wee timorous fuckwit".

Aka “Osama”, “Bazza”. Haven’t a clue who he was. No one knows where he came from or where he went. The fucking Lone Ranger on stilts.

Another Australian cunt. A man of culture, sophistication and wit. By their uniquely undemanding standards.

Aka “The Rear-Admiral”, “The Hud-King”. A captain of industry, with a car AND driver; ie knew fuck all about anything, bar occasionally how to shout a bit, blame people, and then pass out.

Aka “Staggers”, “Sheepshagger”. Another Australian cunt. All the social niceties of a rabid drug-crazed mongrel on heat. Made one actually feel sorry for the aborigines.

Aka  “Forkbender”. A man of prodigious needs, seldom accommodated. Presided over the reversion of Hong Kong to China and hence more importantly the first ever peaceful transfer of sovereignty over a Hash in history—ie disgraceful Nip nonsense in Malaya ’41 notwithstanding.

Aka “The Bogtrotter”. Another Irish cunt. Often confused. Spends a lot of time on his knees East of Central, ever since his mum told him to “go out and blow up every cunt in Hong Kong”. Organised the worst AGM in H4 history.

Aka “No-tarts”. Another Scots cunt. Simply appalling. Refugee from “Trainspotting” set in “South Park”. Capable of a level of flatulence now categorized as a “weapon of mass destruction” by the UN Arms Inspectors.

Aka  “The Badger”. Once rescued Governor Patten’s pet dog from the cooking-pot. Fled Hong Kong before the Handover to escape bullet in Shenzhen Stadium.

Aka “Rattus Rattus”, “Doddering Old Cunt Mk II”. Bean-counter from the old school progressed in life from a Mercedes to a Mazda 121.

Another Scots cunt. A nutter. Or “completely out of his tree”, to use the correct medical terms. Joined the Kowloon Hash for doctrinal reasons. QED

Aka “Inspector Knacker”,  “Estee Lauder”. Only claim to fame was use of a helicopter in trail-laying. Rumoured to be inordinately fond of his own truncheon.

Aka “The Moan”. Raised the noble art of moaning to a new level of internationally-recognised artistry, but then again as a civil servant he had plenty to moan about.

Aka “Heinz 57”. Swiss cunt. Footballer. Lives in Australia, a just punishment on him and all Australians.

Aka “Pigg”. Car salesman, much given to enhanced acoustics thereon. Looked like Fu Manchu’s aborted offspring having a bad day.

Aka “Nitworth”, “Schumacher”. Irretrievably lost in the 1960s. None of his acquaintances has thus far felt any pressing need to bring him back

Aka “Biggus Dickus”, “Watt-a-Dick”, “Cranium” (don’t ask). In charge of Hong Kong Bank S&M Dept. A tit man of some experience and sophistication. To prove that time really does fly, he once hurled his own watch off a boat. Proved wrong.

Aka “Shiggyjaw”. Bearded cunt. Even more useless than his predecessor. Repeatedly wasted piss, in breach of rules 3-17 of hashing. Only claim to greatness—he once slung Gover’s moped down the side of a reservoir.

Aka “Flacdem”.  Another Kiwi, full of aimless dark menace; ie basically a head case. Spent his year growling and running up the wrong hill. Still persists in trying to set runs; still can’t.

Aka “Raging Bull”. Scots cunt. Taller when lying down than standing up. Spoke no language understood outside “Star Trek”. Spent most of his year of office underground, recceing drains, culverts, watercourses, sewers etc etc. One to stay upwind of at the bucket.

Aka “Patpong”, “Ben Gunne”. The greatest GM ever. Showed inspired and flawless leadership throughout, owing to his disappearance on 11 months’ accumulated government leave immediately following election to the noble office. Made medical history by contracting a social disease from a child’s toy. A hero.

Aka “Drainoil”. Wears skirts a lot, explaining his meteoric rise in the wild and zany world of the Hong Kong Bank. His tendency to sing uninvited, and to recite the whole of Eskimo Nell from memory, have rightly made him a legend in his own lunchtime.

Aka “Tailgate”. Manchester United supporter, along with other more humdrum perversions.  On the principle that “Practice makes perfect”, still a frequent visitor to Hong Kong. Made the immortal observation to an exceptionally ugly little hashman called “Ratface”, “Christ, they’ve sewn your head on upside down”.

Aka “Neslo”. Kiwi cunt, allowed to run Cable & Wireless because he was small enough to climb inside junction boxes. Produced “The Hong Kong Wanker”, arguably the greatest-ever H4 magazine prior to the classic “Where the Fuck is Barry Will?” of 2002

Aka “The Brigadier”. A warm, kind, gentle soul to his friends (both), if also a loud-mouthed Irish cunt to the rest of humanity. Banned from Ireland (which says it all, really).

Aka “Elbows”, a glowing tribute to his tendency to shove other hashmen over cliffs while descending hillsides etc. Variously Scots, Canadian and Australian, now in old age running out of countries that will have him. Of biological curiosity  because he always seemed older than his own father. Prematurely aged by marriage to lusty Kraut Valkyrie Brunhelga.

Aka “Dunafew”. Another Australian cunt, variously described as “big” and “gaping”. Last seen heading for Japan (a) in search of schoolgirls’ edible underwear and (b) to get laid.

Aka “Fireman Jack”, “Jack the Fire”. A hero of the Po Shan Road Landslide of 1972, since then often unfairly vilified for pulling Tung Chee Hwa from the wreckage. Wrote the “Guide to Hashing”, which clearly no H4 hare has ever read.

Aka “Harvie the Rabbit”. Perfected art of drinking piss by raising elbow three feet above left ear. As a result, fell over a lot.

Aka “Mallee Jack”. Part Yarpie, part Australian, part French, part vegetable. Owes youthful looks and fitness to massive intakes of jism from Giant Carp. Sadly for Jack, Giant Carp as a result now almost extinct. Jack said the Hash would never last; the Hash said Jack would never last. Regrettably, both were wrong.

Aka “Piss Artis”, “Warwick Reid”. Australian cunt. Oversexed (relatively speaking).

Aka “John the Beaver”, “Mr Puberty” (the First Hare. Geddit?). Ran Outboard Marine. Later on, Outboard went Overboard.